Stupid Mission Statements

The AllThingsToAllPeople Police Department’s mission is to enhance the blah blah provide blah blah blah and to blah blah zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Who cares? Mission statements and guiding values were the thing to do a few years back. They still have value and a place in our policy, websites, and in our hearts. However, if you want to read some good fiction and wonder what the heck some departments think their purpose is, check out random websites and look at some mission statements. This is an editorial piece so you can disagree if you want, but here are a few things I hate about some of your mission statements:

1. If you have the phrase “enhance the quality of life” in your mission statement that’s just wrong. What are you doing? Planting flowers? Imagine your community without the police. Is it “disenhanced”? No – It would be crime infested and chaotic. No watch commander stands before the troops at briefing and barks out “Awright coppers – get out there and do some enhancing”. Let’s stop the poetic language and just crush some crime.

2. Your own officers don’t know the mission statement. If they can’t quote or at least paraphrase the mission statement, then it’s not really your department’s core mission is it? Or is it your “mystery mission”, the one that’s on paper in your policy but is not written on the hearts of your officers? If the cops don’t know the mission, something’s missin’ – like a realistic mission statement.

3. By the way – did you mention anything at all about the fact that you are armed government agents with the power over life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and that you arrest bad guys and hope they go to prison? I don’t expect any mission statements that read “cuff ‘em and stuff ‘em”, but can we be a little more realistic? I miss the old “to protect and to serve”.

4. Stating the obvious implies that it’s not so obvious after all. Do you really have to say that you’ll have high ethical conduct? That you’ll enforce the law with integrity? That you’ll respect Constitutional rights? Did your officers and the public see that in your mission statement one day and say “Gee that’s a good idea!-Who woulda thunk it!” as though these things aren’t foundational values that go without saying? Me thinks thou protest too much!

5. Do you have a mission statement or an rambling essay on all things good? Some departments have a mission statement along with the vision statement along with the guiding principles statement and values statement that is longer than Constitution itself. If it’s longer than the Pledge of Allegiance or doesn’t fit on your business card, ditch it before somebody actually reads the whole thing.

Police work is a wonderful mix of services and expertise. We are heroes doing a thousand different jobs. But the one thing we do best that no one else can do is to bring the rule of law to criminals by use of force. We can enhance and empower and collaborate all day long, but in the end it’s our badges and guns and guts that make the difference. If that’s not in your mission statement you might consider sneaking it in someplace when nobody’s looking.